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Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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1:05 am - I HATE COMPUTERS!
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I just spent 45 min. updating my live journal. It was cute and I was actually funny in this one, but the damn computer just signed me off. How dare this thing do that. I had some good stuff for you guys to read. I'm not typing all of that again. As weird as my break has been, my poor fingers are exhausted and you guys probably wouldn't have read the whole thing anyway. At least I got to write it all down though. Even if you guys didn't see it.
current mood:  pissed off
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| Friday, December 17th, 2004
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7:25 pm - You figure it out!
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I feel so stressed out right now. Finals were this week. I think I did alright on them, but I won't know until later. I'm not going to worry about it. My social life is what really has me upset. I came into this school with so many friends. I was amazed. I never thought that I could find people so perfect for my personality. Well, things are kind of on the rocks. I know where I stand with one special person, but that's it. I say that I'm ready to go home, but I know that I'll hate it their too. Is it possible to not be content in any of your surroundings?
Another thing. Is it possible to have friends and a relationship at the same time? This is a question that I always wanted an answer for. In my opinion, I don't think it's possible at all. It's like you either have one or the other. Why does it have to be this way? Can someone answer this for me?
I'm probably coming off as very unhappy right now, but to tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever been happier since I've been here. I need to say thank you to someone who has stood by my side and really shown me compassion this whole time. Let's just say that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to know you and your beautiful spirit.
current mood:  content
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| Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
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4:05 pm
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So I went and found a picture of an orangutan. Yes, thats how you spell it. Woops, I forgot. No one knows what I'm talking about except for 2 rude men living over in Dayton. I think everyone should hear this story. I was told last night that if I were an animal I would look like an Ewok. A fucking Ewok. I want everyone to go online right now and look this shit up. Are you kidding me? Alright, lets hurt my feelings even more. So then the one guy went on to say that I looked like an oragutan. Yes, thats right. The crazy apes that have ugly ass faces. I want all of you to go online right now and find pictures of both of these beasts.
I might send money to the oragutan foundation. They need money to make those things look better. And as for me, I'm going to give myself a facial. I wouldn't want to look like an ewok...would I?
current mood:  crazy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
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2:49 pm - The battle!
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I feel like I'm in a constant battle for "something" that I can't have. The more I try to get what I want, the more I feel defeated. I really don't know what to do anymore. For the first time in my life, I have no plan. I have given alot of myself away, and it doesn't seem to matter to anyone. I compare myself to a treasure chest. I have so many different things to offer, and yet, it's a rare person who wants to take the time to discover what makes me special. People think they understand me from looking at me on the outside, but I have so much more to myself than just that. They're concerned with the more expensive jewels and treasures. But what if thats not what makes me "me". There's only so much that I can put out on the line before I get sick and tired of giving and giving. I care so much, yet I feel like this is not reciprocated. I truly and deeply care about the people in my life, but I'm beginning to think that they're only out to do "them".
How many times do I have to say that I'm ready. I've been ready. I'm ready to share what I'm feeling with someone else. I have felt such happiness lately, but I'm afraid that I'm the only one who feels this. I truly feel that this will be the story of my life. The happiness I have will begin to dimmer the more I am shut down. Someone once told me that God only gives you what he knows you can handle. Well I've had enough for now. I'm ready to experience true joy. I'm frustrated because I know that I can love someone else. I do love someone else, rather. Everything is in God's plan. There are probably reasons why God has not let me experience a serious relationship yet. I just feel that at this point in my life, I've never been more ready.
Oh, the things we say on live journal. I think I feel comfort in knowing that only a few people will read this. I just can't say this in person right now. I know it needed to be said, though. Please read this and give me your thoughts.
current mood:  lonely
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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11:31 am - Soaking Wet!
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I hate/love the rain. I hate it because I look a bloody mess when I get wet. But I love it because it's completely invigorating. Does anyone else find the rain a turn-on! Don't ask! Anyway, I've been walking around campus the whole day without an umbrella and my hair is a train wreck. What moron does that? I found Hopies and she shared her umbrella with me. Alright, enough about the damn rain.
I'm seriously considering moving to Dayton next semester. I want to know what people think about this. Is it true that no one will come visit me over there? Seabrook is the life of this campus. Everyone knows that all shit happens there. It's like you're out of the loop if you don't live in Seabrook. Help me figure out the positives and negatives to living in Dayton. I really want my living experience to be more positive next semester. I want to be able to talk to my roomate and have fun. Maybe throw a few parties and go to clubs together. Play music as loud as I want in our room. Not be afraid to dress in front of each other- and no i'm not kidding....my roomate right now can't handle this.
Give me some feedback!
current mood:  horny
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 4th, 2004
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1:35 pm - Patience is a virtue!
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Yes, I know. I haven't updated recently, and I feel a need to. So much is happening every day here. I can generally say that I've been so happy lately. Things seem to be going right, but I have no patience. What is my big rush? Why do I feel a need to have things progress at such a fast speed? Humans in general are impatient people. They want things their way and they want things to happen fast. For some reason, I don't think God wants us to live like that. My eyes have opened up so much these last few days. I went to a church service in Trenton with Rob and Ezzy, and it was absolutely amazing. I was crying by the first song. I don't know what came over me, but I felt overwhelmed. I really needed that, and I want to thank God for getting me there last night.
On another note, I've been so worried about people leaving my life. I found out that a friend of mine is leaving for sure. How can this be? Things won't be the same anymore. I know they won't. I also found out that someone else is struggling with their classes. I can't be at this school without this person. The word can't is wrong to use. Lets try I refuse to be here without this person. I need to remember that everything happens for a reason, and if this person leaves, then it was meant to happen. I just feel like being stubborn, and I don't want to think about what might really be right for the person.
I'm going to lighten up the mood now. I gave 2 tours yesterday, and both of them turned out dreadful. The first group hated music. None of them wanted to even minor in it. That was rough as hell. The second group was alright, but it was embarrassing because they walked by a room on my floor that smelled like weed. Oh well.
current mood:  confused
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
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5:09 pm - A Surge of Love!
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I can't explain what is happening to me. Ever since I got back from Thanksgiving Break, I have felt this surge of love. It came out of no where. I feel like there is so much energy inside of me, but it definitely isn't negative. I hope that I can use this love in a positive way. Anyway, I'm going to be completely random now and make a true statement. I don't think the drama level here at WCC has ever been as high as it is right now. It's incredible how intense this place is in that sense. Hope, Meg, and I figured out that we could write a soap opera and become filthy rich off of it. We could definitely run the show for 15 seasons, and we still wouldn't have gotten through the first semester. If anyone thinks that a WCC drama series would be a good idea let me know. I'll start writing!
current mood: happy
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 26th, 2004
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11:36 pm - Home again!
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What a culture shock! I always love coming home(j/k). I'm starting to think that I really don't belong in my town anymore. For example, I went to Wal-Mart today with my mom to get some things for school. And yes, we were both dumbshits for going shopping on Black Friday! But aside from that, I felt so out of place. I recognized so many people, and tried saying hi, yet no one even acknowledged my presence. I feel so different from all of the people I used to know. I feel like we're not even from the same planet anymore. My mom thinks that I've changed dramatically. I think she thinks I'm arrogant for thinking less of my town. But this is so far from the truth. Lets just say I'm more open minded now. I accept the fact that the people in my town use words like 'youns' and 'ain't' and hold serious conversations with you while their cigarettes are flopping out of their mouths. I also realize that there are members of my community who don't think it's a problem to have a confederate flag flying from their truck. But just because I acknowledge these things, doesn't mean I have to accept them. I think its important to remember where you've come from, but I want to move on. Yes, these people are the foundation of my life before college, but what if their morals and what they stand for, are not what I want to stand for anymore? I love hollidaysburg but yet, I'm starting to learn that the world is so much bigger than this community in which I grew up. Please, understand that I don't look down on where I've come from. But I do feel a need to open up and change the way that I've been brought up to think. I can't relate to anyone here anymore. I was back this weekend and wanted so badly to hang out with friends and have things be the way they used to be. Yet, I couldn't even call some of my best friends up to do this. We're not the same anymore, and I feel so distant from all of them right now. Will things ever be the same? I think I can honestly say that they won't. I hope this isn't a bad thing. Someone please give me advice. I need to hear some encouraging words.
current mood:  gloomy
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| Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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8:53 pm - Here it goes..
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I can't believe I'm doing this. I mean, I used to think live journals were for immature high school kids who wanted to create drama and talk about each other. But then I thought, isn't that what happens every day of my life at WCC? I think I just need a place to express myself and share my feelings with other people. School's been rough lately, and if anything, I just want a place where I can write what's on my mind and not worry if someone's going to blow up in my face, because they don't like what I have to say. If anything, I want a new start. I want to lose this ditzy image that everyone thinks I am. I don't know why I feel the need to prove myself, but I'm determined to change this image by the end of the year. I have so much I want to change within myself and feel so overwhelmed by it all. So here goes a journal full of nothing but the real me.
current mood: optimistic
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